Over the years he has made me cards, t-shirts, jewelry. He has collected rocks, flowers, and treasures for me. He has asked to help me with dinner, he has offered to clean up the house, he has dutifully watched over his sister. He can be so good.
This year on Mother's Day he felt sad. Sad that there was not a day to celebrate sons. Sad that he was expected to think of others before himself. Sad that he was asked to dedicate his time in honor of someone he loves. He wasn't able to see past these things that made him sad.
I did not understand where these sad thoughts originated from. I thought he seemed selfish. Entitled. I wondered how he got to this point in his life. Was it because it took too many years and a divorce for me to figure out how to be the kind of parent that I wanted to be? Was it because he lives a dual life; one at his dad's home, one at mine? Is it because he has different expectations at each home? Have I, or others in his life spoiled him? Maybe he was an only child for too many years? It's hard to solve a problem when you don't know the cause.
I felt like punishing him. I felt like taking everything away from him and ignoring him. I didn't do that though. I think punishing him would have made him resent me, rather than learn from me. I thought that ignoring him would make him angry at me, rather than respect me. I wanted a logical consequence that would help him process through both his feelings and mine.
I said to him that he was not considerate of my wants and needs when he boycotted Mother's Day. Because of that, I was going to be putting some more responsibilities on his shoulders. I was no longer going to prepare his dinner or wash his laundry. That became his job to do. Additionally, my computer and TV were no longer available for him to use. These things happened because I was no longer considering his wants and needs. I wasn't doing this to get back at him or punish him. I was trying to show him how a relationship is give and take. We are considerate of those who are kind and respectful to us. I realize this philosophy and method may not suit everyone, but for me, at the time, it seemed like a good way to get him to realize the depth of his insult.
He has grumbled and argued through this process. He has complained about doing more work around the house. But he hasn't gone hungry. He's learned how to make a few simple meals and use a few basic kitchen appliances. He has felt pride after working on a hard task. He has begun to show gratitude without prompting. We have spent more quality time together; talking, playing games, working side by side.
I won't pretend we're completely over this bump in the road, but I do see improvements that could be long lasting. I'm optimistic. I don't know if what I did was the best way, or the right way, but today felt good. This one day was right. We had a lunch date and the waitress complimented his good manners. He showed gratitude for this special outing. We took turns taking care of the baby when she needed someone to play with. I always enjoy watching him be a sweet big brother. We laughed about silly things together. I invited him to eat the dinner that I made, and he agreed to make dinner for us tomorrow. We began working on the next step of our home improvement project together- he even got to use a power tool. He talked to me about things he wishes he could do. He picked flowers for me. He spontaneously told me he loves me. He went to bed happy. This one day was good.
